


Unfulfilled

by HephaistionsThighs



Category: Sunshine (2007)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Gen, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Love Triangles, M/M, Mid-Mission, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 23:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1959420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HephaistionsThighs/pseuds/HephaistionsThighs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Searle is in love with Capa, but Capa's sleeping with Mace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dr. Searle was in love with Robert Capa.

That was his own diagnosis.  He had considered other conclusions first, but his protectiveness was not merely paternal and his affection was not merely friendly.  He felt strong attraction and romantic love for Capa.  He had analyzed his own thoughts and also come to the conclusion that this was real love, not the illusion of love brought on by the loneliness of the mission or by Capa’s physical beauty alone.  He cared for Capa deeply.

He had many reasons for not acting on his love.  A few of these were more personal, like the fact that he was ten years or so older than Capa, but if there had only been these factors standing in the way, he may still have attempted to pursue a relationship with him.  The real reasons concerned the mission.

Capa didn’t need any distractions or any additional pressures or expectations.  Searle needed to support him as a friend and colleague, it would only make things complicated and difficult if he tried to be his lover.  That kind of emotional relationship could put the mission in jeopardy.  If Searle had a romantic or sexual relationship with Capa, he would have had to pull himself from the mission.  He had been aware of his feelings with enough time to spare before the mission had launched to evaluate himself and to be evaluated by the larger set of Project Icarus shrinks in order to make sure just being attracted to Capa wasn’t too much of a risk.  It had been determined a replacement would not be necessary, but it was very clear to Searle that he would have to be content with loving Capa from afar.

He thought wistfully that maybe someday, when the Icarus mission was finished, he might ask Capa out on a date.  By then, though, they’d probably be so used to their platonic relationship that anything more would be impossible and potentially awkward.  He also harbored the thought that it wouldn’t be right for Capa to save the world and then settle down with an older man.  Capa deserved better than that.

So Searle was Capa’s friend, and didn’t allow himself to hope for anything more.

.  

Searle knew when Capa expanded his pool of chess opponents to include Mace.  He was very pleased with the occurrence; Mace and Capa hadn’t had any overt altercations, but there was sometimes an irritable tension between them.  If they were willingly socializing, it could only be an improvement.

Searle was interested to learn that Mace hadn’t even known how to play chess before, and he was letting Capa teach him.  Capa told Searle that as arrogant as Mace could be, he’d actually witnessed the man doubting his intellectual ability to master the game.  Searle observed many of their games and noted that while Mace never won - it was almost impossible to win against Capa - the time it took for Capa to beat him was lengthening.  Playing with Mace seemed to make Capa happy and lessen the animosity between them.

.  

Searle was pretty sure he could nail down the week in which Capa and Mace began jerking off together.  He didn’t know that’s what they were doing at first, but he knew they were up to _something_.  They’d go into one of their rooms or the other, and then one or both of them would leave after fifteen minutes or so.  Searle was aware of this because part of his duties included people-watching over the ship’s video cameras.  He watched all of the crew and maintained awareness of all of their well-being, but he had to admit he watched Capa a bit more than the others.

He finally found out what exactly Mace and Capa were up when they’d been careless and done it outside the privacy of their rooms.  Mace came to the door of the Payload and requested entrance, Capa had let him in, and they’d talked for a while.  Then Searle had peered at the video screen as they sort of rutted against each other through their clothing.  They were definitely doing what it looked like they were doing, no doubt about it with the looks on their faces.  This rubbing had only lasted a sort time, then they’d sat apart and jerked off in synch.

They didn’t touch each other, just watched each other.  Searle watched with fascination.  This was the sort of thing adolescent boys did together.  Mace and Capa could be doing an adult version of the same exploratory ritual, or they could be just letting off tension.  It was bizarre, and Searle didn’t know what to make of it.

He wasn’t happy about it. 

.

"How are you getting along with Mace?"

"Fine," Capa said.

"No fights or anything?"

"No," Capa shook his head.  "I think we’re past that."

“‘Past that’?” Searle inquired.

Capa blinked.  He didn’t know what Searle was trying to get at, he’d only meant he and Mace hadn’t been arguing lately.  “Yeah, I think he’s gotten used to me.”

"Would you say things between you have cooled down or warmed up?"

"I… don’t know.  It’s just a nice change."  But when he thought about it, he knew the change had been a warming up from the snapping cold that had existed in his working relationship with Mace.  Capa preferred the warmth.

Searle didn’t bring up what he’d seen them doing. 

.

He took some time to evaluate this new aspect of Capa and Mace’s interactions, and decided that he didn’t need to do anything about it.  The two were relieving stress in a non-destructive, social way.  He didn’t sense a potentially hazardous level of intimacy between them - there had been no kissing or indications of romance.

Danger didn’t come from simple crushes on board.  Plenty of the crew had crushes on each other: Cassie on Capa, Trey on both Cassie and Corazon, even Harvey on Kaneda.  This was just a form of affection, it didn’t compromise the mission.  Deeper forms of affection like love and sex were what could compromise the mission.

For example, if Searle had allowed his love for Capa to develop into a real relationship, he might not be willing to let Capa sacrifice his life for the mission.  All of their lives were expendable, and there were potential circumstances where sacrifice would be necessary.  They were saving the Earth, individuals didn’t matter.  Part of the requisites for being a member of the crew was a willingness to lay down your own life and an understanding that all of the “friends” traveling with you may have to do the same.

Or on a less dramatic note, Searle was the ship’s psychologist; if he allowed himself a relationship with Capa, he would be biased about how he treated the crew members.  Like he might prescribe Mace some pills that would chemically castrate him right now.

Capa and Mace weren’t having a relationship, they weren’t really having sex, so Searle didn’t need to confront them about it at this point.  He’d keep an eye on them though. 

.

A week after Searle made this decision, he saw that something had changed.

Mace came to the Payload with the chess set under his arm.  He set up the pieces while Capa continued the set of tests he was working on.  He appeared to wait patiently for a while, then stood and walked over to him.  Without any further preamble, he pulled Capa away from the console and kissed him.  This was a real kiss, not a gentle test.  Even with the limitations of the video image, Searle was pretty sure he could see Mace’s tongue push into his Capa’s mouth.

And Capa’s was hardly fighting back.  After a moment his hands clutched in Mace’s shirt and he returned the kiss equally.  He pressed his hips against Mace’s and they both moaned.  They went back to the rubbing Searle had witnessed before, but there was definitely a new intensity to it.

How had things escalated this quickly?  Searle wanted to put a stop to this right now.  Mace was currently holding Capa’s hips in place and grinding against him; the dominant posturing and implications for how things would work in penetrative sex were clear.  Capa was moaning and clinging to Mace’s shoulders; he didn’t object to Mace taking control.

Searle was fixated by the look on Capa’s face and couldn’t bring himself to page one of them to make it stop.  He could admit that he wanted to watch, but he was still very worried they were going to knock the chess set off the table and make good on the implications.  He felt a swell of protectiveness for Capa in addition to the jealousy.  He knew Capa was an adult man, but he couldn’t help but feel like Mace was taking advantage of him.  Capa couldn’t resist pressure from a more sexually assertive man, he was practically a virgin - or maybe that’s just how Searle liked to think of him?

They didn’t get to sex on the table, though.  They undid their pants and continued grinding together without clothing in the way, then jerked each other off, kissing and gasping against each other.  Searle watched Capa’s hand move on Mace’s cock.  The stirrings of his own arousal made him very uncomfortable.  He couldn’t believe Capa was doing this with Mace.  Why was he doing it?  What was he thinking?

Searle was about to call Capa’s name through his communication clacker to make him come in for an unscheduled counseling session, but Capa called out Mace’s name and came into the engineer’s tool-worn hands.  Mace captured the last of the sound in a kiss and thrust into Capa’s hand a couple more times before coming as well. 

.

"Hey Searle."

Searle hadn’t ended up calling Capa in for a session until hours later.  Capa sat casually across from him, and he looked the same as always.

Searle thought he knew Capa very well.  And in the hours he’d spent analyzing, he’d come to realize that he still did.  Capa hadn’t changed.  Capa was a loner, but he still got lonely.  That was why he’d once told Searle that he considered him an actual friend, while the other people on the ship were only fellow crew members.  Capa needed one friend.  And that was why Capa was getting involved with Mace; he was lonely and horny.

"Capa," Searle smiled.

Capa sat quietly under Searle gaze for a while.  He knew he was being studied; it didn’t usually make him uncomfortable anymore after being under professional observation for so long.  Searle observed that Capa looked more content than usual.  The man perpetually stressed over his bomb and the fate of the mission and the Earth, it drove him to distraction with any other activities like socializing and made him have nightmares.  Searle concluded that an occasional orgasm wouldn’t really be the worst thing for him.

He didn’t like it, because he was in love with Capa and didn’t want Mace touching him, but this wasn’t about himself.  It was about Capa.

"Just a check up.  Having any problems with anyone on board?" Searle asked.

"Harvey resents my cooking."  A small smile curved Capa’s lips.

So they talked about how Harvey didn’t like Capa’s cooking but was being passive-aggressive instead of just saying so.  Eventually the conversation wandered back to what Searle was interested in.  “Update me on the Mace situation.”

"There is no situation."

Searle watched Capa in that way psychologists master that forces people to keep talking.

"I would tell you if we were fighting.  We’re getting along."

"Why are you getting along?"

"There needs to be a reason for crew members to function?"

"You and Mace used to function less efficiently."

Capa’s eyes narrowed slightly.  They’d gone over this before.  Searle had accepted the fact that things had simply worked out.  Searle waited, and Capa waited longer.

"Do you like Mace?"

"Like him?"  Another pause, and this time Capa was the one to break it.  "I like that he talks to me like a human being now."

Searle nodded, “Good.”

He was coming up with his next question when Capa asked, “Do you like Mace?”

"Inherently, yes.  When he gets bored and irritable, there’s less to like, but he’s still interesting," Searle answered honestly.  He also liked Mace less when the man had his hand down Capa’s pants, but that wasn’t rational.  It should make him like Mace better; Capa gave Mace something to do, Mace was less grouchy.

.

  Searle knew exactly when Capa and Mace began sleeping with each other.  He was watching their activities closely, and he had the night shift when Mace crept out of his room and into Capa’s room.  He stared at Capa’s closed door on the video monitor as if he could deduce how exactly things were happening behind it.

Searle should have put an end to this sooner.  Mace and Capa shouldn’t be having sex.  Or Searle should have made his move, because it shouldn’t be Mace having sex with Capa.

He saw Mace leave Capa’s room again only shortly before the rest of the crew was supposed to wake up for the day.

.  

He observed this behavior twice more before bringing it to the attention of the captain.  Crew members sleeping together was serious, it wasn’t his decision alone about how to handle it anymore.

"Capa and Mace have begun spending nights together," Searle informed him.

Kaneda paused.  “And?”  This wasn’t a dismissive comment, he wanted to know more about the situation.

"They have been engaging in some sexual behavior for a while now and I didn’t believe it was serious enough to warrant reporting, but in the last eight days Mace has spent the entire night in Capa’s quarters three times."  It made Searle uncomfortable to report it like this, but it was his duty.  He also wanted to know what Kaneda thought.  "I haven’t come to a conclusion about their mental statuses in relation to these events, but I wanted to report them due to the potential for emotional compromise."

"You were right to do so."  Kaneda seemed to be considering.  "Do you think they’re in love?"

"It’s hard to say."

"Get them both in for evaluation, separately." 

.

Mace first.  Searle brought him in and didn’t tell him right away what he wanted to talk to him about.

"How are you, Mace?"

Mace shrugged.

Searle pretended to make a note, something he knew would make Mace uncomfortable.  If he let Mace relax during sessions, the man was likely to just sit there and never tell him anything at all.  He responded better when he was worked up.  Searle let him stew for a while.

"I think I made a mistake," Mace said finally.  Searle gave him a lot of credit for this admission.  The crew weren’t supposed to make mistakes; a mistake could cost the life of the planet.

Mace alternated between looking at a spot on the floor and occasionally flicking his eyes to the camera recording him.  He knew the captain was watching.

"What was the mistake?"

"I slept with one of the crew."

Searle just watched Mace squirm under his gaze for a moment.  “You slept with Capa.”

Mace’s eyes widened and went to Searle’s face.  “You knew?”  He seemed worried instead of angry, which was usually his default attitude whenever he felt threatened.  Threatened or much of any emotion at all, really.

"It’s what we’re here to talk about."

Silence spanned between them again.

"I think I love him," Mace said quietly.

Now this did surprise him.  He hadn’t expected Mace would have emotional complications from having sex with Capa, not with Mace’s usual underdeveloped emotional responses, and he certainly hadn’t expected love.  He quickly deduced that it was correct of Mace to say he _thought_ he loved Capa - Searle wasn’t convinced Mace was even capable of loving Capa.

"Why was sleeping with him a mistake?"

"It has to be!  We aren’t supposed to be doing this!"

"Is it only regulations that make you think it was a mistake?"

Mace looked at him like his military brain couldn’t comprehend why regulations wouldn’t be the end-all of reasoning.

"Why did you sleep with Capa?"

Mace shifted uncomfortably.  “Jesus, Searle.  The same reasons people ever sleep with each other.” 

.

"Why did you get involved with Mace?"

Capa looked as awkward as Mace had, maybe even more so.  He was embarrassed Searle knew what he’d done.  “I was lonely.”

Searle’s theory had been correct then, accurate to the word itself.  “Why do you think Mace got involved with you?”

"He was lonely too, I guess."  He pursed his lips for a moment as he thought.  "Or maybe lonely’s not the word.  We both needed something."

"What did Mace need from you?"

Capa’s gazed stayed on the wall before flicking to Searle.  _Sex._ “Connection.”

Searle wanted to tell Capa that Mace was just using him, even if that might not have been true.  And wasn’t Capa just using Mace, anyway?  “Are you getting what you need from Mace?”

"I think so."  He was watching Searle to see how his friend would judge him.

"Do you love him?"

Capa was surprised by this question.  “I don’t know… No.  How could I love him, we’ve only been speaking civilly to each other for the last few months?”

"Love doesn’t have to be logical."

Capa just stared at him.

"It’s possible that if you invested yourself in relationships with the rest of the crew, you wouldn’t have to invest so much in Mace," Searle said after a while.  What he really meant was, _Mace isn’t your only option._

Capa wasn’t very interested in deepening relationships with the rest of the crew.  “What do you think I should do about it, Searle?”

"That’s not up to me.  I’ll make a report to the Captain, and he’ll issue orders.  Whatever he thinks is best, you’ll follow."

"Of course."

.  

Searle was forced to report that Capa was making a positive human connection, and while Mace might be investing more emotions than was ideal, he was personally and interpersonally moving in a positive direction, unlike the rest of the journey in which the engineer’s mood had slowly been trending downward.

Kaneda told Mace and Capa that what they did in their bedrooms was their own business, but they were reminded to keep the mission as the only priority in their minds.  Searle would just have to wait and see what would happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go to LuckyCloverg69 and Ima_Pseudonym for their help with this chapter!

The black strands of Capa’s hair were soft between his fingers. Everything about him radiated beauty. He watched Searle with trust in his eyes, and for once he really saw him. He let Searle close to him, and into him.

Capa was hot and tight, impossibly so. Falling into him, Searle was reminded of the dreams Capa had told him about, falling helplessly into the Sun and burning up. Searle heard him gasp into his ear as he came. Searle continued moving in him, chasing the incineration he craved.

Searle gasped harshly, and all the pale skin and soft lips and blue eyes were lost to him. There was the dark ceiling above him, and no one else in the room. 

.

Mace didn’t deserve to have what Searle dreamed about. No, Searle amended that thought to make it less personal. Mace shouldn’t be with Capa.

He hoped Capa stayed out of love with Mace. They might have been bringing each other some needed comfort, but Mace just wasn’t good enough for Capa. Capa deserved better than to get stuck with an older man like Searle, and he deserved much better than to get stuck with an aggressive emotionally immature control freak like Mace.

Searle’s own psychological well-being had tipped downward somewhat. He was functioning professionally, but how could he not be affected? The man he loved was being regularly fucked by someone who really wasn’t good enough for him.

He had the feeling that he ought to object more. He didn’t have a real reason, though. Mace may not be what Capa deserved, but he was making Capa happy. 

.

Dinner time on board Icarus, Capa brought the main dish to the table for everyone to serve themselves and took a seat next to Mace. The usual seating of the crew shifted around, but it used to be that Capa would tend to sit next to Searle.

"Ugh," Harvey mumbled in complaint, "I can’t even tell what this is."

"It’s pasta," Capa said. The communications officer had moved past passive-aggressively resenting Capa’s cooking on to making small snide comments instead. Capa’s cooking wasn’t that different from anyone else’s, Harvey just needed somewhere to vent his frustration.

"But what’s _in_ it?” Harvery wondered. Capa just shifted awkwardly in his seat; he couldn’t help that the rehydrogenated meat substitute they had was weird, but he had thought it would make the pasta dish more interesting. “With as few meal options as there are, somehow you still manage to mess it up every time.”

"If you want to eat the same identical crap every day, I’m sure you can take his shifts," Mace snapped suddenly. Everyone looked at him for a moment. "I’m sick of you bitching about it…"

"It’s not my fault your boyfriend can’t cook," Harvey muttered.

Mace choked on his food and Searle saw Capa look mildly horrified.

"That’s mature," Cassie scolded Harvey. She assumed he was resorting to the schoolboy taunt of calling someone gay because he couldn’t think of a smarter reply.

"You think I’m joking? I hear them going at it all the time." Harvey’s room was next to Capa’s.

Now Mace looked pissed and Capa looked very embarrassed, and the rest of the crew was watching them.

"Is he serious?" Cassie asked Capa.

Capa nodded. Harvey gestured with his hand as if to say, ‘I told you so,’ but then he shrank back in his seat at the look Mace was giving him. Kaneda and Searle had known about Mace and Capa’s relationship, but none of the rest of the crew had.

Corazon just blinked and went back to her meal. She wasn’t impressed by two guys stuck on a space ship together for years having sex.

"You’re gay?" Trey asked Mace with astonishment. Mace was like the navigator’s big brother that he looked up to, and there wasn’t anything about the engineer that read as the stereotypical image of homosexuality.

"Do we have to talk about this?" Mace asked.

"No…" Trey backed off, but he was obviously curious.

Mace huffed a sigh. “Yes, I’m gay. I’ve been gay my whole life, not just because we’re out here.”

After a few more awkward silent seconds, Capa commented, “I notice no one’s expressing surprise that I’m gay.”

"I didn’t mean, I just—" Trey hurried to amend.

"It’s okay, I was joking." It was usually only Searle who understood Capa’s sense of humor.

Cassie did look genuinely taken aback by the news, however. She had been nurturing a passive crush on Capa almost as long as Searle had been in love with him. 

.

Searle didn’t know when Mace started abusing Capa. He suspected that the first time he saw it wasn’t the first time it had happened. The engineer could have left all sorts of angry marks on Searle’s frail physicist before any of them escaped the confines of Capa’s clothing.

The one everyone saw was the bruise on Capa’s cheekbone.

"Capa!" Cassie immediately hovered closer to Capa with mothering concern at breakfast. "What happened?"

Capa offered her a small, supposedly abashed smile. “I tripped, reading and walking at the same time.”

"Oh," she touched his face gently, "Did you have Searle look at it?" Her eyes turned to the doctor and so did Capa’s.

"No, not yet."

Searle took Cassie’s place next to him, holding Capa’s face to examine the mark.

"Can this wait until after breakfast?" Capa asked.

Searle nodded, taking his hands away with a tight-lipped smile. As the crew ate their meal, he watched Mace closely. The man was entirely silent, and it would seem like he wasn’t giving anything away, but just the slight change in his mannerisms, the air of defensiveness around him, gave away his guilt. 

.

Searle decided upon the most direct approach once he had Capa in the medical bay. “Has Mace hit you before?”

Capa’s blue eyes widened slightly. “What?”

"The bruise is from Mace, isn’t it?"

"No, I told you, I tripped."

"Capa, I’m trained to know when people are lying."

"Why would Mace hit me?"

"I’m wondering that, and I’m hoping you’ll tell me," Searle said.

"I tripped," Capa repeated. Searle was silent and Capa continued, "I’m clumsy! You probably have that written down somewhere!"

Searle sighed and stood, taking Capa’s hands in his own. He turned them both palm-up and examined them, then raised his eyes back to Capa’s. “No marks on your hands. When people trip, they try to catch themselves.”

"I was holding papers."

Searle was sure he was lying.

Finally, Searle dropped his eyes and his loved one’s hands. He got an ice pack and pressed it to the bruise. “I want you to know that I’m here for you, whatever you need. It’s not okay for you to get hurt, Capa.”

Capa took the ice pack from him and held it in place himself. “I’m fine. Mace didn’t do this.” 

.

“I didn’t hit Capa.”

It wasn’t Searle who confronted Mace, Mace came to him; Capa must have told him what Searle thought. “I’m not trying to blame anyone, I just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

"It didn’t _happen_ at all!” Mace said.

"Unfortunately, Mace," Searle was trying to be professional about this, "I can’t take your word for it. We need to talk about this."

"You can talk about your crazy theory all you want, but I already know I didn’t do anything." The engineer seemed awfully defensive for an innocent man.

"I just want everyone to be safe."

"Then we should talk about the seven-inch ridge between each section of the ship," Mace said. "He said he tripped over one of those and hit his head on the wall. I’m no threat to Capa."

"We both know you could be a threat to anyone on the ship if you had a mind to be." Searle looked at him seriously. Mace wasn’t a huge brute, but he was six feet tall and built powerfully by military regimen. Capa looked tiny next to him; his narrow body could disappear in Mace’s embrace, and Searle didn’t find that endearing at all.

"I don’t have a mind to—!"

Searle cut him off, “You and Capa haven’t always gotten along, so I know the potential for conflict is there. And I know that Capa has a bruise, and I need to know what caused it.”

"It’s not from me," the other insisted again. He glared at Searle, who had discovered that the sunglasses he’d become accustomed to wearing were very useful for unnerving people.

"You ought to know that Capa’s not stupid," Mace continued. "If I were a danger to him, I would be a danger to the mission, and he wouldn’t let that go unchecked."

Mace had a point, but since Searle had him talking, he wanted to see if he could get him to say more. He continued to stare at him from behind the darkened glass.

"You just don’t want us to be together," Mace accused.

"My opinions on your relationship don’t really matter unless it’s creating an unsafe situation," Searle replied.

"I didn’t hit him. He can take care of himself, you’re not his father." Mace was responding to Searle’s intimidation by getting up in his face.

"I don’t have to be his father to care about him," Searle said.

The engineer’s brows drew together. He didn’t speak for a long moment, until, “You love him.”

Searle didn’t say anything, because he was frozen and he couldn’t deny it. Mace wasn’t supposed to be this perceptive, but then again, the man must have known something of what it was like to love Capa.

"You’re in love with him," Mace repeated. "That’s what this is about."

"Any feelings I might have aren’t relevant…" Searle tried.

"No, they’re totally relevant! I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. You’d much rather that I did hit him, so you could order us apart!"

"He doesn’t love you," Searle said suddenly.

Now it was Mace’s turn to freeze.

"Let me know if that’s changed, but when I spoke to him, he told me he didn’t love you." The doctor knew this wasn’t professional, but he was well aware of what he was doing.

Mace took a step back, and a scowl replaced his shocked expression. “Fuck you, Searle.” He left. 

.

Searle was watching the video screens again a few days later when the result of his sabotage played out. Mace and Capa were playing chess in the Payload, quiet discussions and silences spanning between them.

"Do you love me?" Searle could tell it made Mace uncomfortable to bring it up; the man wasn’t good at emotional stuff.

Capa’s eyes widened. “What?”

"I mean… it’s okay if you don’t, I just… wanted to know."

"Why are you asking me now?"

"Searle said you didn’t," Mace said.

Capa frowned. “Searle doesn’t live in my head.”

"He said you said you didn’t love me," Mace clarified.

"What? When?"

"I don’t know. Is it true?"

It took a while for Capa to answer. “I’m not sure, Mace. I never thought about it.”

"We’ve been doing this for months and you never once thought about whether or not you love me?" Mace was trying not to sound hurt. He wasn’t supposed to care or have expectations.

"Is it important to you?"

"It matters to me! Do you feel anything for me at all?"

"Of course I do," Capa said quietly.

"Do you love me?" Mace demanded.

"I don’t know!" Capa wasn’t ready for such a sudden confrontation of his feelings. He didn’t have it all sorted out in his head, he needed more time to solve it, like an equation.

"Is it Searle? Do you love him?"

"What?" Searle watched Capa’s face closely, but it didn’t give any indications of the man’s feelings for him; the physicist was focused on Mace right now.

"Are you in love with Searle?" Mace asked again.

"No," Capa answered. Searle’s heart sank. He rationalized that Capa could just be saying that because he thought it was what Mace wanted to hear, but still, hearing Capa say it sent his heart deep into the pit of his stomach. 

"Where is this coming from?" Capa asked, "Did Searle say I loved him?"

"No, but he kind of implied… He’s in love with you, Capa." Now Searle felt what could be best described as ‘oh shit’.

"What are you talking about?" This conversation caught Capa off guard on so many levels.

"He is. He doesn’t want me to be with you," Mace said. When Capa didn’t say anything, he continued, "Would you rather be with him?"

"No, Mace," Capa shook his head. "There’s nothing going on between me and Searle."

"Do you love me?" the mechanic asked once more.

Capa swallowed. “I don’t know.” He didn’t have a better answer.

Mace got up and started to leave.

Capa got up too, “I need more time. I need to think…”

"You don’t have to analyze everything! You should just know!" Mace shouted. Searle did notice that although he was angry, he wasn’t being violent toward Capa. Maybe his theory was wrong.

They just stared at each other for a moment. “If you don’t know, the real answer must be No.”

"Wait, please…"

Mace left, only stopping briefly to say, “Well I love you. Don’t tell anyone.” 

.

Searle watched Capa sit alone in the Payload for over an hour before leaving the medical bay. Capa let him in, but he didn’t seem happy to see him. He didn’t say anything when Searle approached.

"I’m here because I saw you looked troubled," Searle informed him.

"So these cameras feed into the medical bay after all…" Capa was silent for a while. "Did you see my conversation with Mace?"

The doctor nodded. Capa had contemplated it before, the possibility that Searle could be watching anything on the ship at any time, but he wasn’t aware of it on a daily basis. He thought about his rendezvous with Mace in the Payload and thought perhaps they should have taken these activities to one of their bedrooms instead.

"Why would you tell Mace I don’t love him?"

"You said you didn’t, when I interviewed you about your new relationship with him."

"That was ages ago."

"Do you love him now?" Searle asked.

"Like I told him, I don’t _know_ yet.” Capa sounded irritated and depressed. His relationship with Mace was important to him. “Why did you do it?” He wanted a real answer.

"Because Mace was right about me." Searle appeared calm, but in truth he felt extremely nervous and exposed. He had meant for Capa to never find out about his love for him.

Blue eyes stared at him.

"I’m in love with you, Capa."

Even though Mace had told him about this earlier, the physicist still appeared very taken-aback. Searle couldn’t help but think he looked kind of adorable in his startled state. “…I don’t know what you want me to say.”

"You don’t have to say anything," Searle said. "No action is required on your part. I never planned to act on it myself."

"How… What makes you think you’re in love with me?" This was very confusing to him. He didn’t have many certain relationships, but Searle was supposed to be his friend.

Searle’s eyebrow raised at the phrasing of that question. “Which one of us is the psychologist here?”

Capa smiled. Spending so much time with Searle had rubbed off on him.

"There’s a lot to love about you," the doctor said. He sat down next to him, not too close, trying to encourage a more casual mood. There was some part of himself that hoped this revelation of his love to Capa would eventually result in a passionate romance between them, but mostly, he just didn’t want to lose his trust.

"I think it’s just outer space," Capa said after a while.

Searle shook his head. “Not true. I was in love with you on Earth.”

"You never said anything." Searle just looked at him. Capa suddenly gestured at the other man’s face, "Would you take those off? You’re freaking me out!"

Searle removed the sunglasses. “I didn’t say anything because the mission was too important for that.”

"No one ever bothered with me on Earth," Capa said.

"You’re not saying… Mace wasn’t your first, was he?”

Now the physicist looked slightly affronted. “Of course not. How old do you think I am?”

"I know you’re an adult…" Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure exactly how old Capa was. It popped up every time he accessed his profile, but he hadn’t really noticed it. The young physicist was many times wiser than his age; it was hard to judge him.

"I’m twenty-nine. People seem to forget that."

Searle had to admit he would have guessed Capa’s age closer to twenty than thirty. How had he gotten to be twenty-nine so quickly?

"You’re the third person to tell me they love me lately, and I’m only sure I believe one of you," Capa said.

This really caught Searle’s attention for two reasons; of course he hoped it was him Capa believed, and he was interested to hear he was the third and not just the second. “Cassie said she loved you?”

Capa nodded. “She’s just lonely, she’s not really in love with me at all. I think she wants to adopt me more than sleep with me, anyway. She still sees the seventeen year old boy the press fixated on because he designed a dark matter bomb. Kaneda and Corazon do too, really. They all treat me like a kid they need to take care of, while Harvey and Trey are intimidated by me. Almost the whole crew has idealized me into an unreal Sun-saving entity they can store all their hopes in.”

Capa stopped for a moment, but there was definitely more coming. Searle waited quietly. Capa wasn’t normally prone to anything even approaching ranting, so if he was letting his feelings out now, Searle wouldn’t hinder him in doing so.

"It doesn’t help my social skills any." They both knew Capa was lacking in that department. "I don’t think I could be friends with them even if I wanted to be. I wish I were friends with Cassie. We ought to be friends." He was quiet for a while again. "But none of them even know me."

Then the younger man shifted awkwardly, self-conscious about what he had said. “I think you’re my friend.” The introduction of love into the equation made his concept of their relationship unstable now. “You know, right, that I’m not what the papers say? I’m not…” Robert Capa wasn’t an angel sent to save mankind. “I’m just a guy, who’s good at physics.”

The doctor gave a small smile. “I know. I’ve psychoanalyzed you hundreds of times, remember.” But he did wonder. He thought he knew Capa. He was sure he knew who he was. But was he really in love with Robert Capa, or with the idea of Robert Capa? He stored the thought away for later contemplation.

Searle fidgitted a little himself before he spoke again, “You mentioned Cassie, Kaneda, Corazon, Harvey, and Trey. Not Mace?”

Capa shook his head. “Mace never bought into any of that. He’s committed to the mission, but he has no blind faith in it or me. He never believed my bomb will work just because it _has_ to.” Capa shivered for a moment. The bomb, the bomb, his only obsession, one which the whole world was all too happy to let him have.

"Remember… A long time ago, on Earth, in training, we were talking about how Mace and I couldn’t seem to get along; we hypothesized that it was because Mace saw me as just a piece of equipment necessary for the mission?"

Searle nodded; he recalled.

"But we were wrong," Capa sounded almost excited when he spoke, "Mace just wasn’t already carrying around a preconceived notion of who I was. The only way he thought about me was from what I was giving him. With the bomb and mission - and my skill for handle people being what it is - I never initiated any kind of real human interaction with him. How was he supposed to treat me like a full person if I wasn’t showing him any evidence of being one?"

Searle continued to silently take in Capa’s words. He was glad the other was talking so readily, even though he wished Capa didn’t have so many thoughts about Mace. The physicist had obviously spent too much time around him, if he were able to examine how people thought this thoroughly.

"It took me getting bored enough out here to actually approach him, and now we’re… friends." Another relationship in limbo.

"It’s him you believe," Searle stated.

Capa looked apologetic. “Yes.” They were both quiet for a while. “I don’t know what to think about what you said.”

"You don’t have to do anything about it. It doesn’t change anything, and I’m not going to interfere in things between you and Mace."

"I’m not sure I have a thing with Mace," Capa sighed.

"I may be biased, but I assure you I’m only speaking as a professional when I remind you that you don’t have an obligation to Mace. If at a point you don’t want a relationship with him any longer, you don’t have to continue being involved with him just because he might want you to."

Capa was quiet. He didn’t want things with Mace to end. But he didn’t think he should go over his Mace issues any further at this point, not when he also had a Searle issue. “You love me?” he asked.

Searle nodded. “You don’t believe me?”

"I’m not sure." It confused him.

Searle smiled again, even if it wasn’t real. “Don’t worry about it.” He saw Capa open his mouth to speak again, and he patted his knee, “Just focus on the mission. All this other stuff, it’s negligible.”

"Searle…"

But Searle was hurting, so he left, leaving Capa confused and guilty just like Mace had. 

.

On this ship in space with practically nothing but time on their hands, Searle just needed time to think.

Searle spent a full day doing what could only be described as brooding over the fact that now Capa knew he loved him and that hadn’t changed anything. He wished he could make him believe him. He slowly settled with the reality that he shouldn’t be so disappointed; this had always been the most likely outcome: awkwardness, not romance. He was the younger man’s shrink and possibly his only real long-term friend, he couldn’t spring the fact that he loved him on him in the middle of his confusion about the man he was already involved with and expect it to go smoothly.

He thought more about everything Capa had told him, and he was mildly annoyed when he found he thought Capa was right. And when he re-analyzed the situation from Capa’s perspective, he even came to realize that Mace was more right for Capa than he was.

Searle admitted to himself that he was guilty of some of the behaviors that bothered Capa in the rest of the crew. He saw Capa as a real person, but he still also saw him as the embodiment of mankind’s only hope. By contrast, Mace had determination, not hope, so he didn’t lay this heavy hope on Capa’s shoulders. No wonder Capa was finding refuge in him.

Mace saw Capa as a man with a job, while the rest of the crew, Searle included, were incapable of separating Capa’s identity from his capacity as a bomb detonator. Searle hadn’t acted on his love for Capa because of the mission, but Mace had actually gone for it. Searle could join Capa in the belief that Mace really was in love with him. 

.

The captain came to talk to Searle the day after the next.

"I need you to brief me about the situation with Capa," was the request.

Searle paused for a split second - for a moment he thought Kaneda was referring to his personal situation with Capa. But no, of course he meant Capa’s mental state. Searle had observed that their resident physicist had been quite distressed over the past few days, and Kaneda was far from oblivious to it.

"Some interpersonal drama has unfolded between Capa and Mace," Searle began. "Mace has expressed love for him, and Capa found himself unable to return the sentiment. The situation hasn’t resolved and their involvement with each other is experiencing a strained hiatus." Searle sighed.

"This is just the kind of situation we wanted to avoid." The captain was not pleased.

Searle nodded. He knew it was his job to keep emotional drama from becoming an issue on board. Letting Capa get stressed out was a serious matter.

"Can you help them come to a resolution?" Kaneda asked.

The psychologist considered. “My recommendation would be to give them some time to reach a resolution on their own. It would be healthier than trying to push them into something.” People weren’t made to just be ‘fixed’ when it came to emotions.

"Alright. We’ll give it a few more days."

Searle hadn’t brought up that part of Capa’s stress was caused by himself. 

.

He found Capa sitting in the observation room. He wondered if he was there just because he wanted to look at the sun, or if he were hoping to encounter Searle. The doctor sat quietly beside him.

"I’m sorry I didn’t respond very well when you told me."

"It’s okay," Searle replied. It was; he didn’t hold it against him.

"I should have at least said thank you."

Searle smiled, a real one this time. God he was so in love with Capa, he found even the man’s abashedness endearing. “You’re welcome.”

"I still don’t know what to do. You’re my friend," Capa said helplessly.

"I’ll always be your friend." Several minutes passed in silence. "Do you think you could ever love me?"

Capa considered. “I think the capacity is there.” He hesitated, “I had quite a crush on you when we first met, and for some time afterward,” he confessed.

Searle stared at him. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?” Though really, this didn’t make him feel better, this made him feel like a complete idiot who had missed his chance.

"No, it’s true." Capa blushed even as he smiled. "I didn’t think I’d ever tell you that."

Huh. “I don’t want to push you into anything, especially not during the mission…” Searle began.

"Wait," Capa stopped him, "I’m sorry, Searle. You’re my friend. I think I could have loved you, but… I couldn’t now, not anymore."

Searle watched him, and nodded slowly. He could tell that Capa didn’t want to hurt him, so he tried to not be hurt. “I’m your friend. You need a friend much more than a lover.”

"That’s probably true."

"Is that not the reason?"

Capa unconsciously worried his bottom lip with his teeth. He shrugged after a moment. “I’ve known you for so long.” The relationship was good, but it couldn’t really change. Friendship was all it could be. “And now I’m…”

Capa’s thought died before reaching his lips, and Searle pondered what he would have said. “Now you’re with Mace.”

Capa shifted in his seat. “Maybe. I don’t know.” This seemed to visibly distress him.

"Tell me about it," Searle requested. He did want to know about the physicist’s feelings toward Mace, because he cared about him, even if he knew now that Capa would never love him. Being a psychologist made this easier.

"I miss him." A pause, "And it’s not just the sex. That was nice, but that’s not what I miss."

Searle should have made them stop as soon as he saw them masturbating together. That kind of connection, while positive at its base, still pulled in strong emotions and built them up, and now those emotions were in jeopardy. That’s just what happened with people, but it wasn’t supposed to happen on this ship. But it was too late now - Searle couldn’t make them stop, so he was going to have to help things as they were.

"Are you upset about what happened with Mace because you feel guilty for not reciprocating his love?" he asked.

"I would love him if I could."

Capa looked sad and even smaller than usual.

"Why can’t you? You’re capable of love, aren’t you?"

"Inherently…"

"Is this the same way you can’t love me?" Searle asked.

Capa shook his head slightly. “It’s not that. It’s… The mission is too important, I can’t…”

Searle understood what he meant. It wasn’t actually that Capa wasn’t able to love Mace, he wasn’t allowed to. He hadn’t thought about it before because he wasn’t supposed to, and bringing love into the equation meant that the relationship would be some form of commitment, and commitment to anything on board other than the mission could not be tolerated.

"Capa, don’t make the same mistake as me. You don’t have to do anything, but if you love him, love him. I trust you to always be able to put the mission first."

Capa thought on this for a while. “Thank you.”

Searle patted his shoulder, “It’s okay.”

Capa got up and started to leave. He stopped, “Searle, I’m sorry. That I can’t…”

"It’s okay. Go talk to Mace." 

.

The next night, Searle was driven out of bed by dreams. It was still early in the evening, so he hoped if he got his mind sorted out quickly, he could get a decent amount of sleep.

He stopped short in the doorway to the observation room, finding it occupied. Capa and Mace were sitting together, the physicist’s back to the engineer’s chest, Mace’s legs on the outside of Capa’s.

Their quiet voices reverberated around the room, but Searle couldn’t make out their words. They looked so peaceful. Mace’s arms came to circle Capa and their fingers entwined.

Searle left without alerting them to his presence. He was Capa’s friend, and didn’t hope for anything more.


End file.
